Seeing as it’s Valentine’s Day next week, romance is in the air and I am newly single, I thought I’d write The Definitive Guide of What NOT To Do When Your Love Life Goes Suddenly and Terribly Tits-up. I sincerely hope none of you will need it in the run up to Valentine’s, but here it is nonetheless. Here are the 15 Do Nots, followed by the singular all important Do!

  1. Do not go out every weeknight and drink your own weight in Jägerbombs.
  2. Do not give your mobile number to someone you do not find attractive, interesting or even the least bit alluring, even if it makes you feel a tiny bit better, just momentarily. The person you’re trying to get over won’t know (or care) that you’ve given your number to a random guy from that stag-do you met at that pub. And now some twat you never liked has your number. Just say no.
  3. Do not drunk call your ex and then hang up. And especially not 8 times an hour.
  4. Do not end the night by aggressively accosting the cloakroom attendant as you have lost your ticket but blame everyone else, mainly the cloakroom attendant.
  5. Don’t then call the cloakroom attendant a wanker. You certainly will not get your coat any faster.
  6. Do not walk home alone in the rain eating soggy chips and listening to ‘Irreplaceable’ by Beyoncé on repeat – and then hope that a rain/romance/The Notebook scenario will somehow happen with a mysterious Ryan Gosling lookalike.
  7. Do not watch The Notebook.
  8. Do not bulk buy Kettle Chips, ice cream and red wine and consume all of it whilst watching the Notebook, even though you know you’re not allowed to be watching it.
  9. Do not mentally justify ridiculous things you do, just because Bridget Jones did them. Slutty see-through with bra entirely visible top – no. Branston pickle from the jar with a spoon – no. Fuckwit men with floppy hair, a charming smile and poor taste in Chinos – no. Neat vodka and wailing – definitely a no.
  10. Do not fool your self into thinking buying a glittery, outlandish clothes with make you feel better and like a new woman. Yes, you may look amazingly like a human sized Christmas tree decoration, but it’s not Christmas and you cannot wear that gold sequin boob-tube out of the house, and well, frankly you wouldn’t want to as you look like a fucking massive bauble.
  11. Do not listen to any of the following artists – Adele, Tracy Chapman, John Mayer or James Blunt. One should never listen to James Blunt anyway, but you could not choose a worse time to make this terrible life choice.
  12. Do not publically daydream about burning the clothes he left behind. It shows in your face, people will mistake your facial expression for mental illness or severe constipation.
  13. Do not tell people you’ll be “more sassy” without him. It’s embarrassing for everyone involved.
  14. Do not drink gin, at any point, for any reason.
  15. Do not sleep with him 3 months after the break-up, because he was “in town”, you were bored and you liked that he wanted to be back in your bed. Of course he did. There were good reasons you broke up, remember them.

However DO relentlessly Google Tom Hardy and convince yourself you’ll marry him one day. It honestly helps.

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